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Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
18 January 2012 @ 10:05 pm
I have this weird feeling... like why is this happening right now.. and that its probably too good to be true..

Why does he even find me attractive?
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
22 December 2011 @ 10:43 pm
I really don't know why I am updating in here. I guess its because this is my more personal journal.. and occasionally I'll come back here and check back on things.

Whats happened since the last time I wrote in here. I didn't end up moving back out to Tennessee, not yet at least...

I find myself thinking way too much about someone that I shouldn't

I just get scared. I get scared of getting hurt... I get scared of falling too hard... too fast...

The more I try to stop the more I feel anxious. I find myself getting frustrated... this year is totally coming to an end, obviously but I feel like I am tieing up lose ends and gathering up things for change.

My blog is doing very well, but like always is at a stand point right now, just like my photography. Its been hard to push myself further with the holidays crashing around.

I don't want to get hurt, but what I want even more is someone who is on the same page as I am.

Yeah, I like this kid... and he likes me.. but what a surprise that distance is an issue. I want this... I want it really bad, I just don't know how bad he wants it, and I feel like I can't have a conversation about it till I meet him. which is in January, which could not get here any fucking sooner.

20 days away... tomorrow will make it 19 which is crazy to me... now were in the teens.. I remember when I was in the 40's...

when the 9 days are over... and its actually 10 days away... im going to shit my pants...


please god... let this work out...
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
17 October 2010 @ 06:16 pm
 It is so frustrating trying to apply for a student loan and not qualifying because you dont have perfect credit. I have a 720 credit score. That is fucking perfect considering im 23 years old. I just want to go to school. I just want to leave and start my life. (sigh) I have a ton of faith that everything will work out in the end but this maze keeps coming up with a dead end. 

I spent a part of my night clenching my quilt waiting on the other end of a phone listening to someone tell me "you are all i want even if I have to wait 5 years I will wait" I started to shiver and ball up like a fetus in a mothers womb. I know damn well I deserve this but it still scares me. It scares me to get hurt, but the adventurer inside of me tells me to open up my dusty maps and hit the road. Still I sit here listening to someone I care for so much. Think of it as a magnet that two are drawn to eachother and fit perfect like a puzzle piece, but then are apart because of a solid dividing the two. Sometimes at night I feel tears roll down my cheek, life just isnt fair sometimes. 

I get accepted into vet school, I have letters lined up from doctors pleading the school to let me into there vet program and a place to live. What's stopping me? The fact not a single soul in my family knows jack about school, or is willing to help me financially with school.

I have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I just hate waiting lol, God seems to know that. 


:sigh: anyways.. 

i have a few shoots lined up, Adriana has been looking into wordpress to start building my portfolio and a website. Im still going to do my daily blogging on blogspot. I just wanted a site to tie everything together. 

- ary
- penn
- megan

and couple shots:

-erica & damien 
- edwin & adriana

I think  I am getting painfully good at pin up shots of I :dusts of sleeves: do say so myself ;-) 

I must go back to editing. 

See you later alligator. 
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
29 September 2010 @ 12:06 am
 I really havent been writting in her as much because ive been SO busy trying to get my other blog up and running. By running i mean having a lot of followers, id love to be a popular blogger, its sorta my thing. kind of like sara jessica parker in sex and the city. 

MY NEW BLOG IS HERE! CLICK ME! 

Things I need to get done this week include:
  • Moving list of things i will need
  • Clean room
  • Pay bills
  • Contact apartments
  • Finish writing second chapter in my book. 
  • Finish editing pictures. 
  • feature etsy shop in blog. 
there is a lot i need to get done, thankgod im off tomorrow. 
 
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
20 September 2010 @ 07:55 pm
 I dont want to get jealous of my siblings but I cant help it. I feel like ive been on my own for most of my life. Being the first to go to college, first to get a job, first to drive, first to get a bank account. I usually cant phsyically ask for anything because I have too much pride so when i do, its probably because i REALLY need something. so when i see my parents just giving away money to my brother and sister, and when i need it, feeling already ashamed to ask.. it becomes apocalyptic. 

it hurts my feelings for two reasons. 1. because i feel bad that i feel jealous, when i know my brother and sister both deserve love from my parents. 2. because sometimes i feel like my parents (mostly my mom) say no to me just because they cant say no to anything else. 


 
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
06 September 2010 @ 03:26 pm
 So over the weekend mom and dad both left to nonas house to stay with her till aunt sandie arrived from california. Nona has been having some depression issues because of her being alone at the house and all, I try to do all I can with driving out there once or twice a week. I hate being the only one who does it. Maybe this vacation will be good for her. 

While my parents were done I took the initiative to get rid of all the junk in the house. I stuffed my car and drove to adrianas complex to her big dumpster compressor and just threw everything in. I came back home and did a little detailing to the house like re-cocking the windows (they were really disgusting) scrubbing some of the walls, and what not. When mom got home, mom didnt even notice over half the stuff was gone. stuff being: broken camcorders, birthday decorations for 5 year olds, books from the 50s on how to have children, spongbob kick ball, orange shag rug? some beads, useless shit that any normal person coming into this house would think "they dont need that... why is it here?" 

then mom noticed that i had taken some cds out that had some really old pictures on them. she stood in the living room staring at the mostly empty area like the was trying to figure out what was so different. Then the shit hit the fan. Yelling and screaming and crying... a big whole mess of digging through the garbage.. shes now threatening me to leave in 30 days.. 

I know they wont kick me out, but it really got me thinking about moving. Im not staying here any more. by here i mean my house, and miami. Im just not. I don't want to anymore. I know I should finish school out here, and get things going but I am so unhappy out here. Now, im not rushing for the door or anything, either way I have to stay here because I just dont have then money saved to leave. but i will. 

Im trying to get ahold of jayme, i havent spoken to her in a while, but maybe she can shed some advice on what my options are. 

even though things are going pretty poorly, i am really happy. I know thats cause of someone though, and im really afraid to admit that. 

I posted some new photos on my flickr, you should check them out and tell me what you think. <3 
 
 
Current Mood: mellowmellow
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
25 August 2010 @ 08:47 pm
I kept telling myself there wasn't a way in hell that I would turn out the way I was after my first week back from leaving travis in nashville. The house felt the same, like some high energy hospital with to much going on at once. Even though there wasn't anything going on. I remember waking up the first day I came back feeling like I had made such a mistake, crying on the floor because I didn't have a bed anymore. I remember feeling like I didn't feel at home. It wasn't even that the apartment was my home because towards the end it didn't feel that way either, I felt lost and unwanted. I knew though that after living in nashville that I was able to deal with certain things a lot better. I didn't feel the overwhelming feeling to lash out at my mom, or feel like its my soul purpose to fix things that are broken.

After today, I can call myself a liar. Everyday off since dad got hurt at work, I spend trying to fix/clean this house. I spend it doing the laundry, cleaning and cooking (not so much cooking anymore because everyone has pretty much learned to fend for themselves). I feel the weight of my parents problems so heavy on my back, pressing till I'm on the floor again.

Have you ever felt so hurt, and it feels like you are in a crowded room knowing people can see how hurt you are but don't ask if they can help? and even when you do finally get the courage, because you always feel like a burden anyways, people still don't help you?

Even when I do things here, nobody notices...

I'm starting to feel exhausted again, from all the stress. I should go to the gym but I just want to lay in bed. I feel sick to my stomach and want to throw up.

its okay though. tomorrow will be a better day.. a new day even..
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
19 August 2010 @ 09:42 pm
things are about to get real up in this bitch.


As most of you know, I have another journal I use strictly to re-lay a bunch of issues I have with certain things I see going on. I just simply explain how I think some things should be done, and im really happy about the feed back I get. I am however, saving this journal just so I can document what is going on in my real life.

Im getting better and better and photographing. It makes me super excited to actually enjoy what I shoot.

I also have been writting more often in my mole skin journal Pen gave me as a gift.

I havent been writing much of the story I was working on, and I probably should be doing that instead of this, but I always hate seeing these large gaps inbetween my journal entries.

Mom and Dad are both hooked are narcotics now. I dont know how long this episode is going to last but I do know I have a much easier route of getting rid of things. I found out adrianas complex has a dumping station which I plan on using to my full advantage.

Here are some things I plan on doing to this house in the mean time till christmas: (why christmas i dont know, i just like giving myself deadlines, its part of my over achieving OCD)

1. Land scape the yard.
2. Get the hall way bath tub fixed.
3. Pant and re-decorate my room.
4. Get rid of couches, and replace with new or slightly used leather couches (we need leather because of the dogs they are easier to clean off slober so if you know of anyone who has some slightly used leather couches that they dont need hit me up)
5. Re-paint house

Thats pretty much it. I think the landscaping bit would take be about a weekend, after what I was able to accomplish with megan today. Since my brother is a slob and pretty much wont help out unless his girlfriend forces him, it was left up to me and megan to mow and minimally get rid of some weeds. I would only have to get some fresh mulch and some new red rocks, which im not sure how much those run these days. Maybe when I gets the moolas i can do's it.

I guess everything else will come with time.

Job is going well, I love it. It will be hard to leave but I honestly can't stand miami anymore. I miss nashville, I miss marlene and jayme.

Don't worry I wont be leaving for a while. I want to finish up some school here, possibly sell this house when the market goes up so that I know my parents will be okay in my grandmas house. I also want matt to get better at tattooing so he can at least have the experience. I want matt and hannah to come with me.

we will see.
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
11 August 2010 @ 10:04 pm
In all honestly, I cant wait till the day i fucking leave this peice of shit. My worthless, for lack of a better word, parents are seriously the worst fucking human beings on the fucking planet. My dad has been abusing drugs for god knows how fucking long and now hes stuck in a fucking black hole. My mom creates diseases in her head and NEITHER of them want to get help, its like they fucking dwell in there own pain it makes me want to fucking scream.


I fell like im stuck in a really bad painting and there is nothing i can do to get myself out. This makes me totally hate travis for ever fucking me over and i hate doing that. I hate dwelling in the past.

I am so tired of being here... So so tired. Moving out can not come fast enough.

If this continues, I may just take out another loan and GTFO.
 
 
Emily, With a Sensible Heart <3
09 August 2010 @ 09:47 pm
I know ive said this before but im going to say it again, i really need to start grocery shopping at whole foods.

- kiss my face shampoo
- organic deodorant.

I read somewhere that regular store brand deodorizer actually causes cancer. Its not surprising I just really need to get on that. I need to start eating better. Im eating great now its just I would like to eat better quality food. Some day I suppose, when I get around to scheduling myself.

Speaking of schedule, guess whos coming back!? Melanie. Yep. Oh whats that? Why would they do such a dumb thing? I have not a clue.

sergio texted me today, why am i talking about this i really dont know...

It seemed i couldnt do anything right at work today, I wish those days didnt exist. I hate feeling tiny and microscopic to anyone. In my head im like "why in the hell cant you just get it right emily?" I hate telling myself that, thats like the worst feeling.

tomorrow is another day though and to be honest it will be better. I know it.
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused